Mother May I?

Is it just me, or should there be a mandated and forced relinquishing of motherly command upon the arrival of a child's 18th birthday? Perhaps even before that... Once a child reaches a certain level of maturity and self-reliance, a mother just really isn't practical.

Four months ago...
Mom: Did you get the wedding invitation?
Me: Yeah, I just got it in the mail today. It looks really nice, huh?
Mom: This is Johnny's kid, could you expect anything less than perfect?
Me: I guess you're right.
Mom: They put all the airline information in there, so you should buy your ticket soon. You're coming the farthest of anyone.
Me: Mom...the wedding's in October.
Mom: Ugh...you and your father, last minute everything!

This is what I will refer to as "planting the weed." This is the conversation where you realize your mother's id is satisfied by your complete annoyance. You make a mental note to avoid mention of any and all topics that could possibly be wedding or plane ticket related.

Two months ago...
Mom: Hi! How are you?
Me: I'm fine, just really busy with this project I'm working on.
Mom: Oh, really? How's it going?
Me: Things are going well, I'm just tired. But how weird is it that I'm working with Sara again? It's been fun though, and her friends are cool and all pretty talented.
Mom:You were both always so hard working, so it's not a bad combination.
Me: Yeah... I'm glad we...
Mom: Did you buy a ticket to the wedding yet?
Me: Mom...I've been busy.
Mom: Oh, Christine, it takes thirty seconds to buy a plane ticket.
Me: Thirty seconds is hard to come by when working three jobs, Mom.
Mom: If it's about the money I already told you we'd help out.
Me: It's not about the money, I told you you're not giving me anything.
Mom: Well then why haven't you bought it yet?
Me: Mom, I have to go.
Mom: Fine.

This one I'll call "self actualization." This is the conversation where the weed realizes that it's a weed, and that you've been avoiding it for a couple months. The weed will no longer be ignored. You hang up the phone and vow not to have a conversation with the weed for quite some time so as to have built up sufficient topics of conversation that won't allow digression to plane tickets or weddings.

One month ago...after receiving a voicemail from Mom
Me: Hey Mom! Sorry I missed your call...
Mom: Oh, I'm glad you're alright.
Me: Yeah, I'm fine, I've just been super busy.
Mom: Still?
Me: Yeah, well we were shooting for fourteen days straight and...
Mom: Did you get your ticket yet?
Me: NO! I've been busy, get off my back about it. I'll do it on Tuesday, that's the cheapest day to buy an airline ticket!! Where's dad? He might actually care to listen about what's going on in my life...

I'm not sure what to name this converation, but this is essentially when the child gets really freakin' pissed off and is certain this is the last time she will speak to mother.

Two days ago...
Me: Hey Mom...sorry I haven't called you back yet.
Mom: It's ok, I understand you're busy. So how is your project going?
Me: Really well! We're in the middle of a ten day break, so I've had time to catch up on things for when we start up again...and sleep.
Mom: Well that's good. You seemed really stressed out. How's your real job going?
Me: Mom...they're both real jobs.
Mom: Oh I know, but...you know what I mean.
**insert forty minutes of casual conversation**
Mom: So Uncle Johnny asked if you had purchased a ticket yet, and I told him you weren't coming because you hadn't.
Me: MOM!!! I'm fucking coming to the fucking wedding!! GEEZ!! I'll buy a damn ticket right now. It takes a bit more than thirty seconds to go to a million websites, compare prices, itineraries, work schedules, various airports, and then check credit card limits and budget limitations!! But I'm gonna buy it right fucking now, just for you Mom, just for you. Happy?!?! Jesus... Bye!!!!

This is the conversation where A) the mother gets hung up on, but realizes that her attempts at motivation using all possible forms of psychology resulted in success, and B) the child realizes that she's been tricked and screwed over by her own mother, both at the same time. The constant nagging by mom served as the antithesis of motivation and in fact discouraged the ticket purchase for so long that now ticket prices require a mortgage.

Basically, boo to motherly control, or influence, or contamination...whatever you want to call it.

Put That Away!

Over the past two weeks I've interacted with several people who have decided to abstain from sex, whether it be for a set period of time or until after a designated event.

Each individual has different criteria for their sexual cleanse--for instance some will allow themselves "to wade in the pool but not actually swim" while others are refraining from any kind of sex at all, including with oneself.

Different periods of time and different criteria aside, each individual also has their own personal reasons for abstaining. Reasons range anywhere from "I just want to see if I can do it," to "I'll have the best orgasm of my life when I'm done," to "I want to make a true emotional connection with someone instead of just physical." I can respect all of these reasons, but mainly the last one. To each his own...

Incredible importance has been placed on sex. Couples break up if it isn't good enough, marriages end if there isn't enough of it, the porn industry is one of the most lucrative divisions of the entertainment business, and it's possible to make a spectacular living as an escort. It's also widely accepted that thoughts about sex enter the human brain at least once a day (which is a rough average based on a women's thoughts once every other day and men's every minute).

With all this emphasis on sex, including all of my recent posts (hmmm...), I'm starting to wonder why things are the way they are. I mean, I guess it's pretty obvious why people like sex, but there are plenty of things in life that we all can enjoy.

I guess what lies at the heart of my question is--where are all these people that are abstaining from sex getting all the sex that they feel they have to abstain from in the first place??!?!?

Boo to people that get so much ass that they feel like they have to take a break for a while--also known as, WAY more ass than me.

Those Crazy Japanese...

Now I'm going to be perfectly honest--despite 23 years on this earth, and what I thought was a fairly substantial sex-word vocabulary, the first time I heard the word bukkake was only three weeks ago.

At the time my ignorance didn't bother me, considering that I have no interest in multiple penises ejaculating on my face, let alone simultaneously. Since the initial twenty minute explanation of bukkake, my astonishment regarding its practice has come up in several conversations, none of which included an explanation of the word from me or any confused looks from the others in the conversation. Apparently I've been missing something...

Let's just skip over the obvious discussion of how ridiculous a bukkake session seems to me and jump straight to my real issue:

Is bukkake a noun, a verb, or an adjective?

Is it possible to bukkake someone, or do you have to give bukkake? Would it be appropriate to say I'm going to go bukkakeing, or is the addition of "ing" inappropriate?

According to Wikipedia (whose definition is quite extensive, by the way) Bukkake originates from a Japanese verb meaning "to splash." So to the Japanese, it's a verb, but any English definition I can find defines it as more of an...event.

Someone better clear this shit up for me ASAP before I recruit twenty dudes to come over to my apartment and make incorrect use of the word.