What's in a Name?

A lot actually.

As video game consoles continue to evolve, becoming more realistic with enhanced in-game graphics and more powerful processors, the geniuses behind these increasingly impressive systems are reverting to a cro-magnon period of marketing evolution.

Coinciding with E3, the largest annual gathering of huge nerds and antisocial video game freaks, Nintendo has released the name of their new revolutionary game console--"Wii." Wii?!? As in an affirmation in French? Or a horrible misspelling of a group that includes oneself? Either way Nintendo, wii disapprove.

According to Nintendo, Wii sounds like "we" which emphasizes the fact that the system is for everyone, and it's easily remembered. Right--it's because of the console's name that I think it's fun to sit around with a group as wii play video games. I hate to break it, but grandma and grandpa aren't going out to buy Wii no matter what name you give it or how hard you try to make it a family activity. And it's an easy name to remember because it's ridiculously stupid. I will remember the word so I have a conversation starter--"So did you hear the name of Nintendo's new system? Yeah. Lame."

What about XBox 360--has anyone taken a second to think about their logo?


Last time I checked, that's a sphere, not a box. "But Christine, the 360 relates to 360 degrees," you say. 360 degrees makes a circle, not a sphere, and the damn console's name is X BOX.

Play Station is the only console that escapes without a boo. Their marketing department is genius. It's a station that you play at, and each new evolution of the console gets the next number in sequence--Playstation, PS2, PS3, etc. And--there's no idiotic logo, just the words, short and simple like it should be.

Naming a video game console is a lot like naming your child. You don't just ink the birth certificate with the first word that pops into your head (the first word that came to my head that second was "caffeine"--case in point), you think long and hard about potential name twists that other little brats will use to antagonize your kid, possible nicknames, and how well it meshes with your surname. While you won't make a dime after naming your child, choosing a name for a video game console is a decision with huge profit potential--arguably a more important decision. A cave man shot up with adrenaline and brought in to market game consoles could have made better choices and connected the rather obvious dots. Maybe Nintendo and Microsoft should have thought a little longer and a little harder...or borrowed Neanderthal man from the Natural History Museum.

With that said, it's time to go blow shit up on my friend's X Sphere.

Modest Self Consciousness

Imagine for a moment that this is you, basking in the sun aside the lapping waves of the Mandalay Bay Resort wave pool. You're enjoying the company of the friend laying next to you, casually reading a book through rose-colored sunglasses as the nine layers of sunscreen you've applied attempt to prevent the harsh Los Vegas sun from giving you skin cancer. Then, without any warning, as though all of your sun protection efforts were in vain...


...you're blinded.

This isn't the best photograph as it took quite some time to restore vision to my eyes and find my camera phone--perhaps for the best. I would hate to instill nausea amongst my readers. In case you can't tell, he's wearing the smallest speedo I've ever seen.

The speedo alone is unacceptable. Combine this man's poor pool attire choice with the fact that he wore no additional clothing for the rather lengthy walk from his hotel room (a walk which involves an elevator, a substantial chunk of the casino floor, a winding sidewalk littered with resort guests, and an early morning line for the pool), pranced around the wave pool, and made no effort to pretend he was there to do laps--and you have a completely offensive scenario.

Big boo to speedos, and an even BIGGER boo to those of us that lack inhibition and an appropriate amount of self-consciousness.