Scarlett's Top

According to In Touch Magazine's latest "Best Breasts" poll, Scarlett Johansson has the nations best set of tatas.

I wonder what the trophy looked like.

But seriously--regulations for any good boob competition should cover artificial enhancements to bodily assets. Is anyone else wondering where those "best breasts" came from? It's as if they appeared out of nowhere somewhere between In Good Company and Match Point. This actually isn't surprising considering Woody Allen is a huge perv, but let's stick to the facts.

The first movie I saw with Scarlett Johansson was The Horse Whisperer which was released in 1998. Scarlett is one year younger than me. I was a junior in high school in 1998, meaning she was a sophomore, even possibly a junior as well. I had a lot of things in high school--insecurity, a crappy car, a couple good teachers, a boyfriend or two, a part time job, pimples, and my breasts. Yet somehow, by some delayed growth syndrome, Scarlett, at the age of 15, did not have any breasts whatsoever.

Fine. Fifteen is still fairly young. Flash forward five years to the release of Lost in Translation. Scarlett is 20 at the time, and although she has breasts, they are nothing like the award-winning rack pictured above.

Is it possible to delay puberty until the age of 22? I think not. What I really think? Woody Allen pumped up her chest like an inner tube.

My friend Blake wants Scarlett to be his girlfriend, first to save him from the hells of online dating, but her ginormous rack probably figured in there somewhere. Be careful what you wish for, my friend...I've heard implants don't fare well to the touch.

At any rate, I have my own set of tatas that, in case you were wondering, I'm pretty proud of, so this post is in no way rooted in jealousy. I've also been told a couple times that Scarlett and I look alike. Whether that's the case or not, my breasts are real. I'm not saying hers aren't, I would just like to see In Touch's polling rules.

Boo to fake boobs winning any "best of" competitions, boo to Woody Allen's blonde hair, big boob fetish (I could probably also insert something in here about step-daughters), and lastly, for Blake, boo to shitty online dates that suck the life right out of you.