Crack, a Bull Horn, and Kiefer Sutherland

All bitching about my "full-time gig" aside, when you break it down, it's really not that terrible--ignoring the close proximity to the poverty line, of course.

But in all seriousness, I'm privy to some pretty amazing information and learning quite a bit. For instance, today I learned that placing your livelihood in the hands of a crack addict probably isn't the greatest move. How did I learn this you ask? Lohan's next project, slated to begin production next week, has been pushed because...well...I think we all know why. My agents have the Director of Photography on the project. When movies push, the DP doesn't make any money until it actually goes, meanwhile they're committed to the project and have passed on others. Ouch.

I've also learned that when your boss text messages you something funny, for instance "I'm quitting," and you think it's funny enough to share with a couple people in the office--probably not the best idea. Although your reasoning was rooted purely in humor and sharing it with the rest of the world, your boss might regard it as insubordination, or "stealing the thunder." Then your boss might inform you that he's never telling you anything ever again because it's like "sharing information with a bull horn."

Another tidbit to add to the plethora of new information I've acquired, the life of an adult in Hollywood is akin to a pre-pubescent teen. There are many examples of said tidbit, but let's just stick to today's examples. I spent a large portion of my day trying to acquire a signed head shot of Kiefer Sutherland for a client. This client has no children, and has been quite vague about the need for this photo. While I'd like to think that I'm assisting my way to importance and my day is filled with uber-important supportive and administrative tasks, sadly, I would be mistaken. Instead I have to call the assistant to the agent of some really big TV star and explain why my client needs a photo that might very well end up hanging on the wall and fawned over--while giddily laughing and painting fingernails. After emails, awkward made-up rationale, hold time, and trading of phone calls, turns out the star is out of the country for another 2 months. Sweet--tell him I hope his 10 star hotel and yacht are treating him well.

So as you can see, information abounds in a day-in-the-life of a Hollywood (or Santa Monica, same diff) assistant. Watch out world...after my year here, there's no telling how smart I'll get.